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December 9, 2012

THE FRESKAN SEABIRD: A NEEDLESS BIRD OF EXISTENCE

Posted by Sparrow/Druku/Samuel

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For many years, the Freskan seabirds have been an endangered species. The Kasinthian Ornithology Department has been desperately trying to breed them, ever since the mermaids have disappeared, resulting in no one looking after the poor birds. However, it’s time to ask the hard hitting questions. Is it really worth it? Is the time and money worth it to save these tiny little birds?

One must take a very long time to study the problems surrounding the Freskan seabird population, and there is no right answer to this. Except for the fact that, no, the Freskan seabird should not only be given up on, but it should be hunted to extinction immediately. The Freskan Seabird is a creation of the Dark Spirit.

Recently taking a trip to the Ornithology Department, I was lucky to get an experience to be able to talk to the birds. As it turns out, these birds only have one thing on their minds: sex. Yes, these birds are as primitive as they come. Even worse, is that these birds seem to attempt to breed with anything, even if they don’t want it. You heard it here folks, the Freskan Seabird practices unsafe and unconsensual sex.

I don’t know if you noticed this, Kasinthia, but Exbaltaira just passed women’s rights. Yet, Kasinthia allows birds that break consent laws to exist. Are we seriously so behind on the times that Exbaltaira is surpassing us? Are we going to let one insane dying out little bird cretin demonic species of doom destroy our good reputation, Kasinthia? I should hope not. I should hope everyone knows what a horrible thing it is for anyone to do such a thing, and seek out any Freskan Seabirds that live near them, and violently murder them, as is the proper and sane thing to do as a good citizen.

But, you might say, they’re just birds, they don’t know any better! You know who else said that? People who hated women. Do you hate woman? I should hope not, as they account for half the population, and unlike the sexist NEA which I have been told we don’t want to emulate in any way whatsoever, we want our women to have equal rights, and not be afraid of being attacked by Freskan Seabirds on their nightly walks. We don’t want our men to be assaulted by the Freskan Seabirds either, actually. In fact, let it be equal opportunities. No one should be allowed to be molested by a bird trying to mate with you even though all you wanted to do was to go on a walk and maybe eat some food and drink some tea.

So therefore, let us end this sexism and acceptance of unconsensual mating culture, and make moves to annihilate the Freskan Seabird population once and for all!

~Trenton Locke(Peri Akman)

ASSORTED HEADLINES FROM THIS ISSUE:

INSIDE SCOOP ON THE CRUSADERS OF THE COUNCIL
MANFRED HALTS COOKIE BANQUET: FIRST BREE PROTEST IN 50 YEARS
HOUSE OF BLISS WORKER PRESSES FOR STRICTER WORKER’S COMP
HOW TO PLAY THE VIOLIN WHEN YOU ARE AN ORC
HOW TO TELL IF THE GNOME STATUE IN YOUR YARD IS REALLY A STASISED MIDGET
RELIGION: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
PALADIN ORDER TO HELP REBUILD NORTHERN KASINTHIA
CRUSADERS HONORED WITH DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
GAY RIGHTS IN EXBALTAIRA?!?
EXBALTAIRAN NEWSPAPER PLAGIARIZES US
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GNOMES NOW
COULD YOUR MAIL BE CURSED?
POSTAL SERVICE: HOW DO THEY DO IT?
MYRANTHAEA: THE PRINTING PRESS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
AN INSIDE LOOK AT SARENÚIAN DEMOCRACY
JARLSJALFIAN BANK TO TIGHTEN SECURITY

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