Civil unrest and discontent spreads like wild fire across the beautiful nation of Exbaltaira as the Not-King-Halldhor King Samuel Exbaltaira makes blunder after blunder. Peasant and nobleman alike are questioning the new government after a series of confusing and terrifying changes to our way of life.
Chief among the outrages being the King’s murder of King Halldhor. King Halldhor has led the glorious nation of Exbaltaira for more than fifty thousand years, and has been a King of versatility and strength despite the mysterious disappearances of thousands of his sons. Reports indicate that King Not-Halldhor had stolen into the palace with his army of Crusaders, and killed the king in single combat. Other reports tell of a strange elf with no ear tips being seen running out of the palace before being tackled to the ground by Ko’ebbe’s Celmin Longfong, a clear omen to the trials to come. The new King then took the throne by right of conquest, an event unheard of for several thousands of years,
The people look up to this new, not-Halldhor King with both trepidation and anxiety. Since his violent taking of the throne, this new King Samuel has made changes to the very foundation of this brave nation, moreso than King Halldhor ever did even in his wildest of moods, which could last up to a thousand years. What’s worse, reports say that the new King is trying to spread a rumor of how King Halldhor was just a name, and how the State actually had hundred of kings in the past several thousand years, and for a while they weren’t even called King! This news of this has left many a civilian shocked and angry, and they’re not too sure at what, as being angry at the King has been illegal for the past fifty thousand years.
Second among the new King’s blunders is the sale of over half the State’s land. Due to an agreement with the Council of Foreign Races following the end of the war, over half of the nation has been rendered unclaimed territory, secluding the State and its people to the peninsula. Hundreds of the citizens that hadn’t been killed in the war were dislocated onto the peninsula, resulting in much discontent.
What’s worse, the military had been reduced a thousand fold, defanging the great State tradition of war and warmaking. Confusingly, the new King has removed the requirement to enter the military training program at age 60, instead requiring new recruits be at least 100 years old. This has left mothers everywhere confused with what to do with their children, who they must hang on to for another fourty years. Instead of retiring from military life at an honorable age of 500, soldiers need only serve for fifty years.
Next to the King has been the seven Sisters of Exbaltaira, led by the royal adviser Dollface. Their influence has resulted in a slew of this strange new concept called “womins rites.” It is unclear what this could mean for our fair nation, but many nobles, men, and women are angry about it.
As well, the new King has introduced reforms to the civilian rights. These include freedom of speech, assembly, press, etc. These new rights have resulted in protests in the streets about their ability to protest in the streets. Neo-Halldhorian tea parties, long forced to hide in their basements and cafes, have taken to the streets, passing out beverages and snacks as they hold heated discussions over the King’s new name.
All this and more is shaking the country! So buy the next paper to learn more. I think.
Assorted Headlines (Patrick Ford)
King Samuel Challenged To Eleven Duels!
Where IS The Crown?
How To Tell If The King Is A Gnome In Disguise
Complainer To Run Out Of Thing To Complain About!