We all know that the Orcs are knocking on our back doors, and kicking them down and taking away our mushrooms and ugly children. Most likely to eat them and love them, but not necessarily in that order. In fact most definitely not in that order. Who in their right mind would eat mushrooms and love ugly kids? Not an Orc, I’ll tell you that much. So, naturally, when your neighbor conveniently dies right before your prettiest lawn competition, it makes perfect sense to blame the pasty faced dorks. I would, and I have the best people reading abilities ever.
HOWEVER, that is not always true! There have been recent murders that are NOT ORC APPLIABLE! There have been at least FIVE murders that are clearly not Orcish, and it is up to YOU to judge for yourself whether your dead cheating husband is because of an ORC or because of something EVEN WORSE.
MURDER ONE: The Minister of War was found murder? WANT TO KNOW WHY IT WAS NOT ORCS? Read Master Locke’s article: CRUSADERS WANTED FOR MURDER. That’s right, the Crusaders are a crooked bunch, aren’t they? Knew it all along. Bet they were working for the gnomes or some crazy stuff like that.
MURDER TWO: Elf was found stabbed in the alley way. Typical Orc slaughter, right? WRONG! Eye witnesses report that a man in a black military trenchcoat was spotted with a bloody knife leaving the alley way. We all know Orcs do not wear trenchcoats, especially not as their military wear. That strikes me as just a MITE suspicious!
MURDER THREE: Found less than a few blocks over from the dead elf, was a completely mutilated body. By mutilated, I mean MUTILATED. Reports mention gouged out eyes, complete castration, all that nasty stuff. Even more incriminating, was a note written it in common, with the blood of the dead person! Can Orcs even read? I don’t know, but it was right by the elf, and at the same time as the Minister of War! I am sensing a trend here!
MURDERS FOUR AND FIVE: Two ugly looking fellows were found right outside the Crusader’s barracks, foaming out the mouth all crazy like. They were also dead at the same time. And if you were paying attention to murder numero uno, y’all know there is something really freaky going on here.
What can we gain from this? Clearly Mr. BlackCoat is a Crusader, and they killed a lot more than just Orcs, I’ll tell you that much! Clearly this is all some ultra-mega master plan of some sort. What type of plan? I don’t know! But I, Hobbes Mcfarland, am intent on finding it out! This crimpling mystery is one I can guarantee is just going to get better.
Hobbes Mcfarland (Peri)