New Paltz LARP

April 6, 2009

REPORTER ASSAULTED BY CRUSADERS OF THE CROWN

Posted by Sparrow/Druku/Samuel

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Our intrepid reporter Hobbes Mcfarland has now been hospitalized, due to being brutally beaten by none other than those identified as members of Crusaders of the Crown. An eyewitness was able to report the brutalizer as none other than Lord Wellington III! For those who do not know, Lord Wellington III has been criticized in the past for his supposed nepotism in his ranks, due to having such a high ranking father, yet no previously established fighting skills, something that is only a tad useful when joining a supposedly important group such as the Crusaders. While previously showing admirable morals, it is clear now that Lord Wellington III is an unfit member of society, as demonstrated by his flaring tempers and alcoholic tendencies. Perhaps, this is a symptom of General Juneau Solace’s command? In the past he has shown many grievous transgressions against common sense, and it is quite possible Lord Wellington is merely emulating his only role model in the barracks of what is solely making way for more and more unstable people. However, we all know that by now, don’t we dear readers? I see no point in rehashing old insults, except to further emphasize the gravity of a situation. In fact, I wasn’t even going to write about the Crusaders. I was going to write about starving children in Okime and rumors of massacre. However, when I heard that my dearest friend Hobbes has been hospitalized due to the sheer arrogance and self-entitlement of a rich boy, I refuse to be told what to write about. I absolutely had to visit my near-dying friend, and have him tell me through gurgled breaths a sad story of corruption and malicious intent. Do you want to know why Lord Wellington III decided that it would be a dandy idea to throw our reporter into a table and take out his sword as a threat? You see, my dear readers, Hobbes Mcfarland decided to ask them, while in passing and completely off duty, if Lord Wellington had some spare change. Lord Wellington III decided to punch Hobbes in his good eye over an undemanding request. Someone clearly had no proper parenting if they thought that was a proper response to a polite request. Lord Wellington III is in his 20s, but clearly acts as if he still needs Mommy and Daddy to tell him right from wrong. Lord Wellington then proceeded to throw Hobbes into a table and charged at him with the intent to kill. I want to emphasize this: a simple request for money turned into a rampage of bloody murder. I am at a loss for words. A total loss. I think we will all agree that it is impossible to fathom how someone could be so completely and utterly cruel, bloodthirsty, and completely uncaring of anything but themselves. I think the most tragic part is the fact that almost no one interfered. Not one Crusader lifted a hand to help the battered and bruised reporter. Not. One. Our Crusaders are supposed to help us, and yet they are only interested in their own problems. Unfortunately for us, it is business as usual in Kasinthia.

Trenton Locke (Peri)

ASSORTED HEADLINES FROM THIS ISSUE:

BREE VOTED CREEPIEST FOLLOWERS OF A RELIGION EVER

BABY DRAGON FOUND ON KASINTHIAN BORDER

FIRE IN FARMLANDS: ESTIMATED FIFTY DEAD

WHY DRAGONS SING: PART 3 OF 6

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY GNOMES

MAN APPEARS IN EAST FARTHING IN BLUE BOX: KILLED IMMEDIATELY

SO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL TO CALANTHA

THAT’S A FEMALE?!?! A RETROSPECTIVE OF GENDER DWARVEN POLITICS

TEENAGERS APPEAR IN WEST FARTHING IN RED BOX: KILLED IMMEDIATELY

BOOK REVIEW: THE PEASANT OF THE HAMMER

PONY POPULATION EXPLOSION: WHAT THIS MEANS FOR OUR HARVESTS
NAIL POLISH: NOT JUST FOR FREAKY ELVES!

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