Queen Lisette has been defended quite a lot in this past year. Former reporter Scar was particularly enamored with everything the yet-to-be-Queen did. As a result, many of the harsher criticisms of the Princess, some sensible (trips to the House of Bliss) others, a flight of fancy (single handedly starting a gnomish genocide), have been withheld from the public, for fear of offending her powerful father, the former King Aglovale and her precious fragile state of mind.
No more, dear readers, for it is time for the deliciously dripping exposé on the corruption that is Queen Lisette to be revealed for everyone to see and gawk at. Queen Lisette is a former Crusader of the Crown. Oddly enough, so was another former royalty, King Malthu of Kelta. Their pay records even show them going on the same missions together, and were even considered “friends.”
Some “friend” Bawerstrom’s new queen is. As reported last week, ol’ Malthu is rotting in Bawerstrom prison while Bawerstrom attacks Kelta, and via association, Okimé. Furthermore, she has decided to put a warrant out for the arrest of the one and only, Crusaders of the Council.
Perhaps she has some sense in this matter. Malthu would know how to run an assassination attempt, and the Crusaders are a group of bloody hoodlums. Alternatives must be considered, but given how they are all stupid alternatives, one should really be looking at the facts instead of entertaining a fanciful whim that Queen Lisette might be acting “rationally.”
Fact: We are currently getting pummeled down by a well-coordinated homoerotic army that is going to find us, kill us, and then resurrect us, just so they can kill us again.
Fact: Infighting means armies get split. If you did not ever take a basic math class, then you probably don’t understand the concept of division, but this is true. More than one enemy means you divide your armies up, and thus the groups are smaller. This means that the elite group of schmucks that are gonna be skewering our guts in a few months will have even LESS of an opposition when they decide to knock down Bawerstrom, Kelta, and Okimé. Sure, Okimé was probably just going to roll over and sob itself to sleep at the bottom of the ocean, but war-happy Kelta and first-world Bawerstrom are some pretty good contenders to making sure we’re not all trying to file our ears in a week’s time.
Fact: As much as I hate to admit it, the Crusaders of the Council are finally putting their well-primed sociopathy to good use, and are killing everything in their path that stands and wears a black trenchcoat. Not only did they manage to kick off a huge fraction of the Beristan army turning tail and fighting their brethren, they’ve been practically prancing through all of Keimin wiping out entire divisions as if it were a Sunday stroll in the afternoon.
Fact: King Malthu is not an idiot. Oh sure, it’s easy to put on the racist hat. “He’s an orc. He’s violent. Come on, Locke, why wouldn’t he kill King Aglovale?” For this question, please refer to the first sentence of this fact. In the time he’s taken the throne, he has not started one squabble. Instead, he’s focused on helping fix Okimé, and spreading his good feels around to the female orcs. WHAT would Kelta POSSIBLY gain from the death of a King, when Lisette was going to waltz in and rule anyway? Did he think Lisette would be a better ruler? Well if it was a conspiracy he certainly forgot to let Lisette in on the secret! But hey, stupid dumb orc, right? When someone has amassed enough skill and power to take control of a throne, or a secondary position, you drop whatever preconceived notions you have, because clearly, they are savvy enough, ruthless enough, and skilled enough to take the throne without pulling a bullheaded move like killing another King for funsies.
Fact: Bawerstrom is at war with the NEA. Like we all are. King Aglovale has been a very strong voice in this political debacle. Why blame an old friend when there are four nations practically screaming “BLAME US! BLAME US!”?
Fact: Queen Lisette has always been incompetent. She was named Commander of the Crusaders when the former leader took a prolonged leave of absence. Since that time, the popularity, efficiency, and professionalism of the Crusaders have plummeted. They harbored blood mages. They attacked scholars from the Academy of Magic. They worshipped gods that do not exist in the Keimin divine plane (whoever this “God A” is that Alex Lawyerman, current Commander, worships, is not someone I would trust, personally). They kept sneaking off to Okimé to go kill Orcs. They MURDERED the Minister of War, and kicked off the Orcish invasion of Kasinthia. Every report from every encounter has described the Crusaders as boorish, loud, annoying, insane, slow, constantly arguing, unprofessional, inadequate, rude, violent, drunk, racist, sexist, and in completely poor form. This commander is now in charge of the entirety that is Bawerstrom. There was no sudden competency gained. There was no royal-born ability in her blood that just made her a good leader. Queen Lisette was a horrible leader at 18, and continues to be so as she progresses through her early twenties.
Since the announcements from Queen Lisette have come, there has been many a controversy over whether her rulings are justified or not. It makes sense, feelings from the Keltan-Okiméan blood kerfuffle are still fresh, and not everyone is ready to trust an Orc that murdered his way into the throne. Which is why I, Trenton Locke, put forth this request for all of Kasinthia:
Do not support Bawerstrom. Do not support Queen Lisette. Do not support this mindless violence. Send diplomats to halt the current battles between Bawerstrom and Kelta-Okimé. If we can’t, then we don’t get involved. Because at this rate, they will ALL fall, and stopping it short just to have the NEA swoop in and take them all is simply not worth it.
At the end of the day, we all have one goal here: We all want to live another day. Please, let us all wake up tomorrow.
ASSORTED HEADLINES FROM THIS ISSUE:
FORSYTHIA MEMORIAL SET UP
UNDER THE NEW RULE: WHAT’S NEXT FOR BAWERSTROM?
COAL FOUND IN MANWENTOL
KILLING PRISONERS OF WAR – ETHICAL?
THE CITIES DESTROYED IN BAWERSTROM
HOW TO TELL IF A GNOME IS REALLY TEACHING YOU SYLVAN
IMMINENT DOOM: A SURVIVAL GUIDE
SOON BREE TO WELCOME REFUGEES
WHAT ARE THE DWARVES THINKING?
ODD LIGHTS OVER KELTA CONTINUE
REBELLION IN FAMARDY
LAST RESORT: BLOOD MAGIC
DWINDLING RESOURCES SPELL BAD NEWS