Our great and prestigious Queen of only three weeks has instituted many new laws for the nation of Kasinthia. Many of these laws might alter our day to day life, dear citizens, so I, the self-declared Head of the Kasinthian Times, have compiled a list, to ensure great ease.
With the jailing of the corrupt King Aldo, a new prison will be set up, guarded by the great Platinum Demon Warriors. It will not only host our horrid former leader, but the Paladins and Demon Purgers who kill our innocent citizens. Soon, all of us, mortal and demon alike, will be able to rest in peace.
The Champions of the Crown will have their authorization of lethal force updated and re-evaluated, in order to ensure their complete competency. They will be allowed to now enter any building they want, and reinforce the new food tax that is being implemented. Speaking of which…
A new food tax is also being put forth. While possibly worrisome, as putting forth one pound of food for every citizen, every week, is a daunting new cost to pay, it should be reminded that mortals are allowed to use the Demon Spawn crawling around as substitution tribute.
Queen Gluttony also intends to expand trade even further with our allies of Bree, and will be tripling our importation of food from the currency-less nation. When asked on where all this food will go to, Queen Gluttony was reported back saying, “My mouth.”
Meanwhile, the Minister of War, Zzzysgksstk Wrsslmggllle, an up and coming Vermis Demon, has reported that they are also intending to send Daeva’s to guard the land bridge to Ceres, in order to be more selective with immigration processes, as the current amount of goat abominations is reaching far too high levels.
Another law put forth has been the one with the most delegation, that to change the national bird of Kasinthia. Queen Gluttony wishes it to be changed to the Zilant. However, many of our citizens have rebelled against this, wishing for it to be instead changed to the Sky Demon. As a result, Queen Gluttony has put forth a poll: Those that wish for a Zilant to be the new bird of Kasinthia, must send her a cooked chicken, glazed in honey maple. Those that want a Sky Demon, should send our lovely Queen a pheasant pie, with sprinklings of cinnamon. Those that send her both will be torn apart in public and fed to the Hellhounds.
With the Paladin Order obliterated, Queen Gluttony will be instituting a draft for a new order, to ensure safety of demonkind, and monitor the now completely useless blood mages. It will be known as the Sin Followers, and will contain training, tax breaks, and a designated house, if one wishes to stop being a homeless no good scoundrel. Draft dodging will result in mandatory full-time possession.
Stricter food regulations will also be enforced. Small time restaurant owners! Be warned! Mixing in horse meat with the mutton is now punishable by death, no matter how much cheaper it is for you to produce. More excitingly, at the suggestion of yours truly, there will be now a standard for tea as well, with the strength of the average tea needing to be doubled. Failure to adhere to the tea and other such food standards will result in ones assimilation with a Sludge Demon.
The final law being instituted is a curfew, instituted at 6 hours after the sun reaches its highest point, exclusively applied to mortals. While initially seeming strict, one must understand that the darkness is needed for our more skittish demons to feel at ease, and they need time alone, lest they accidentally snap your neck in the dark without realizing. Breaking curfew will result in your soul being eaten by a Sky Demon.
Good luck, dearest readers, we are entering a golden age, where demon and mortal alike can walk elongated claw in hand, with no more fear from what lurks beneath us. Read up, and stay alert!
ASSORTED HEADLINES FROM THIS ISSUE
HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAVE BEEN UPSTAGED BY A MAN THAT LOOKS LIKE A GNOME
OKIMÉAN BROODMOTHER PETTING ZOO TO COME TO KASINTHIA
LEAST POPULAR NAME OF THE MILLENIA: DENETHOR
VISIT YOUR LOCAL DAEVA SHRINE TODAY
FRESCAN SEABIRD POPULATION BOOMS — BOUNTY ISSUED
FELLOW REPORTERS MARXIE AND HOBBES COME OUT AS PACT DEMONS
DONATE YOUR BODY TO THE ABAAHY!
SAFE SEX WITH A SHAPESHIFTER!
SLUDGE DEMON ALLEY NEEDS CLEAN UP VOLUNTEERS
POSSESSION: EVERYONE’S DOING IT!
ADOPT A CALINGI OR A JAUD TODAY
PACT DEMON AGENCY NOW HIRING
PITROACH EXTERMINATION: UNETHICAL?
SAVE THE XANAS: SLAUGHTER THE MERMAIDS
BLOODOAK TO BE PLANTED IN CASTLE
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM A UWAN
IMP WORKER UNION ON STRIKE: DEMANDS CRAPPIER PAY
REDCAP HAT SHOP OPENS
MINIMES TO REPLACE GARBAGE CANS
KING OF HELL WINS BEAUTY CONTEST THROUGH PROXY
ZILANT BLOOD INTRODUCED AS NEW HIGH CLASS BEER