Yes, you read that headline right. No spin, no deceiving, just honest facts. Those facts being that the Crusaders are now wanted criminals. However, I am getting ahead of myself, because if you forgive me, dear readers, but I had seen this coming for a long, long while. Perhaps it would be best to start from the beginning, universally recognized as being the second worst place to start a story. The Minister of War was murdered a couple of days ago.
Reports are clear, no Orc did so, why? The kill was a clean quick act, and nothing that a brutish Orc would do. A tragedy, yes, but nothing too suspicious..until you learn where the body was found – near the Crusader’s Camp site. It is there, that the pieces slowly fall together. Naturally, when I heard this accusation, it almost sounded too good to be true. Could the Crusaders be so stupid as to spell out how completely and utterly right I was? There was one way to find out; I sought out the Crusaders, to question them myself. My dear readers, it was far worse than I could have even possibly imagined.
When I finally found them, they were harassing village folks, and were surly, moody, and all too willing to pick a fight. One particularly brutish looking elf practically lunged at me when I decided to walk up to General Juneau Solace, in order to ask him a few questions. If it hadn’t been for those brave villagers looking out for me, it was very possible that they would have just killed me then and there. Even worse, the first thing Solace immediately accused me of was giving false information, due to me revealing his personal life.
Never once did he present facts, or apologize for his horrid decisions, but instead just ranted and raved about how everything I did was wrong. He was likely the most immature person I had ever encountered, and it took every ounce of my will to not put this into light right then and there. In fact, if it had not been for the psychotic elf hovering possessively over him, I might have tried to at least educate the General on proper interview etiquette.
If I were the General, I would conduct a thorough investigation on the motives of those that I surrounded myself with. When I mentioned the death of a dear husband, they did not even bat an eyelash at such a tragic event, completely focused on the fact that I dared to write a social piece on them. It was rather of selfish of them. Being polite, I refrained from bringing up the hefty accusations just yet, since at the time it was but a rumor, and official news had not come into light. I waited until the Crusaders deserted the questioning villagers, and talked to them privately.
I reported the facts: The Minister of War, General J. Arlington, had been found dead by their campsite. The proper response would have been that of shock. To wonder how such a horrible thing could have happened. To beg me to show them this horrible occurrence, and then vow to find who did this, and admit that they were far too weak to prevent such a tragic occurrence. That did not happen. The tone changed immediately; several Crusaders brandished their swords, requesting to kill me. One poor little human sap would not break his gaze of intense loathing towards me, as if it was somehow my fault that the Minister of War died.
Perhaps they did not care? Were they wrapped up in their own status that they could not be damned to investigate the murder of a valued member to society? That was when Princess Lisette tried her hand at diplomacy. She told me to not publish such a fact in the paper. To not report on the truth. To lie to you. To lie to the public. Claim no such body was found, and that all was fine and dandy even though we are in the middle of a war.
Suspicious? Just a tad. Of course, the really rich part was when they decided to question how I knew of such a thing. In other words, when cornered with a fact as simple as a death, their first instinct was to blame the old reporter in front of them. Do I even LOOK like the type of person to murder? Barring that, I want you to think of the logic required to immediately leap to that conclusion. The immense paranoia and judgmental mentality needed is disgusting and unhealthy, and that is the exact attitude that resonated in the Crusaders as I meekly tried to merely get the answers. Even better was the two Orcs that were watching. Oh yes, Orcs.
Not just enemy Orcs, or something of that sort. I mean Orcs who were in fact, Crusaders of the Crown. The red eyes were unmistakably Orcish. Demonic in appearance, it gave me a new respect for the villagers who bravely stood up against them in order to help me when the Crusaders were harassing me. I was certainly afraid, and I simply could not fathom why the Crusaders would be so stupid as to let something like THAT into their ranks. It came as no surprise to me when the request was put out after that interaction. The suspicions were clear.
The Crusaders murdered the Minister of War. If this paper had come out but one day earlier, I would have prefaced that with “it is highly suspected” but now that suspicion is gone, for here is the greatest doozy of them all: When the guards went to make the arrest, they found absolutely no trace of the Crusaders. The barracks where many took up their residence was hastily ransacked previously, with few trace items left. Of course, there was some evidence left. One guard mentioned finding a messily bound notebook, which when examined, led to no conclusions, as the handwriting was nearly indecipherable.
Various herbs were found that were probably used for drugs and drinks of the sort, and with arvirs scattered on the floors, it was clear that the Crusaders had left incredibly quickly. The House of Bliss, or what was left of it, was also devoid of Crusaders, for once in its horrible life, although a few ex fighters who had taken up refuge in the den of depravity, when interviewed were quick to express shock at the revelation.
Although, the shock seemed less about the fact that it was done, and more of the fact that the Crusaders had been accused of doing so. So, the Crusaders harass villagers, threaten to kill me, and then immediately hightail it once they are accused of a murder in their territory. The conclusion needed to come to is so easy even an Orc baby could figure it out. The Crusaders are corrupt murderers. I am glad they are out of the country. They will be brought to justice, eventually, but maybe the great royals will think twice before giving such power in the hands of a private and easily corrupted group such as the Crusaders.
This is the end of an era, dear readers.I embrace our new one, because we can finally move on from the horrid people who have plagued our dear nation and tore it down all for the sake of their own selfish twisted goals. It goes without saying that if anyone reading this thinks they are encountering a Crusader, is to exercise the utmost caution, and to report it as soon as possible to the actual military.
Trenton Locke (Peri)
ASSORTED HEADLINES FROM THIS ISSUE:
HOW TO SURVIVE THE ORCAPOLYPSE
HOW TO SPEAK ENOUGH ORKISH TO NOT DIE
WHY DRAGONS SING PART -6 OF 6
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GARDEN GNOME IS AN ACTUAL GNOME
DWARVES REPORT HIGH MINING TURNOUT THIS YEAR
SO YOU WANT TO BE A HALFLING ESCORTMAN
WOLF SLAUGHTER IN FAMARDY
OH GOD THERE IS SO MUCH BLOOD OH GOD WHY
PAID FOR OBITUARIES
YOUNG AND OLD MAN APPEAR IN BREE IN RECTANGULAR GRAY BOX: KILLED IMMEDIATELY
MERMAIDS FLEE FOR NORTHERN WATERS
GNOME POPULATION CONTINUES TO PLUMMET DRAMATICALLY
INTERVIEW WITH CALANTHAN CHURCH OF COG
INDEPTH AUTOPSY REPORTS OF DEATHS
SCHOOLS REPORTED TO START UP AGAIN NEXT MONTH
HOW TO TELL IF THE ORC KILLING YOU IS REALLY A GNOME
KELTA: A SUMMATION OF HISTORY AND MOTIVES
HATE CRIMES AGAINST LOCAL ORC OWNED BUSINESSES
FAMARDY SHUTS DOWN BORDERS TO KASINTHIA AND KELTA; DENIES ANY INVOLVEMENT IN ORC SURGE
DWARVEN NATIONS AMP BORDER PATROL SECURITY
HAIRY PLOTTED PLANT: A BOOK REVIEW
BACK UP IRON ORE SUPPLIES VANISH
KASINTHIAN LIBRARY SUFFERS FROM FIRE
DEMON KITTENS FOUND IN CALANTHA
ACADEMY OF MAGIC PROFESSOR GONE
MISSING ELVEN ECONOMICS: HOW IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
EXBALTAIRAN REPRESENTATIVES TO PARTICIPATE IN THE HUNTING DOWN OF FUGITIVES
FUTURE STORMS EXPECTED TO DESTROY CROPS
HOW TO CLEAN BLOOD OUT OF FABRIC
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET
ORC DEFENSE TECHNIQUES