Hello once again, dearest readers. As we all know, our great King Aldo has employed His own “personal army,” the Crusaders of the Crown, for quite a long time. Yet what was once a group of elites whose purpose was to keep the peace has turned into a three-ringed circus accomplishing tasks that amount to nothing more than simple errands. According to an inside source, I regret to inform you that that this once-great group has been downgraded to a pack of misfits.
On their latest mission, the Crusaders went off to squelch a case of petty thievery, and then pardoned the criminals, even though it was quite possible they carried dangerous poisons with them from Bawerstrom (but were suspected to have been smuggled in from some town in Famardy). Now, of course, our great King Aldo is not at fault here, for there is simply nothing here that could possibly be attributed to Him. Instead, we need to look at the root of the problem: there has been a severe downgrade in quality in terms of the selection of warriors in the Crusaders. What used to be the elite few has now ballooned to more than a dozen, some with…questionable qualities.
I recently met with a Crusader and attempted to conduct an interview with the being. Not only did he not say a word to me, but he also waved at me mockingly before going off to stab a tree in broad daylight. Is that who we want saving Kasinthia–loons and crazies? Let us not forget the questionable choice of the Bawerstromian noble Lord Wellington III, who was most likely added to the roster as a result of severe nepotism. What is a cowardly lord doing in a group of soldiers? Why is he not learning his proper duty instead? Are the values of our system being horribly downgraded? Is no one asking these questions but me?
Let us not forget the rest of the gaggle. There are multiple members who associate with the seedy and perverted spawn of a place known as the House of Bliss, which we all know is one of the things
destroying the values we Kasinthians hold oh so dear. Is that what we want guarding our country? Whores, prostitutes, sluts, and perverts? Nay, I think not, my dear readers.
There are, of course, far more problems. The Crusaders consist almost entirely of humans and elves, with all their elves being female. A racist agenda, perhaps? Recently, there have been rumors that the one and only gnome of the group is planning on leaving the Crusaders, and it is no large leap of logic to figure out why. It might even be possible they are carrying out some sick anti-male-elf agenda out on a poorly represented demographic. What could they possibly have against male elves? Who knows! It might not even be true! But someone needs to be asking these very important questions, and if no one else is going to, it shall be me.
Perhaps the source of this problem lies with General Juneau Solace, a so-called “quarterling,” most likely the product of rape, since as we all know, there is no possible way an elf and a Halfling would ever get along long enough to become friends, let alone have a child. Perhaps that is why there is such a low number of male elves, to ease the pain of the tyrannical Solace, who does not wish to be reminded of his most likely absent father. It has most likely only increased with the tragic disappearance of Princess Lisette, who has returned to Bawerstrom, most likely as a last resort to leave the burning business while still possible.
Truly, these are dark times we live in, dear readers. I can only hope our great King Aldo will realize what His underlings have become such a run-down, ragtag group, and properly whip them into shape. I await with baited breath, in hopes that our crumbling military will rise from the ashes and beat back all who oppose them.
-Trenton Locke (Peri