New Paltz LARP

April 2, 2009

CRUSADERS EXPERIENCE DRUNKEN SCANDAL AT BLACKSMITH: THE STORY THAT ALMOST DIDN’T MAKE IT TO PRINT!

Posted by Sparrow/Druku/Samuel

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Once again, dear readers, it would appear our “illustrious” Crusaders of the Crown have made a complete mockery of themselves. I would act as if I am surprised, but this is just another act in the long strings of foul ups and tomfoolery. When I am running bets with my fellow reporters for when the next story will break on the King’s personal army, there is something wrong with the current state of the nation.
As it turns out, our depressingly low amount of iron ore has been completely wasted on high perks and specials for the Crusaders of the Crown. I later interviewed the actual blacksmith who was crafting the weapons and refitting the others.

“Was quite the sight. They were all getting merry, fighting each other, and General Juneau Solace, drunk off his ass, flirting with most things in sight. It was…a mite disturbing I’ll admit. Later, an Elvish female and some human with a scarf pinned down a male, and I didn’t quite see the details but…yeah. Doesn’t take a genius. […] they were also acting absolutely rotten to [Lord Wellington], who pretty much left heavily bruised. Collapsing and vomiting all over my floor. It took me ages to clean up.”

Our great general proves his heritage further, by picking up where his father left off, it would appear. A popular theory posits that a bad leader will generate bad followers, and just how a father influences a child, a leader will influence the followers. The frequent visits to the House of Bliss, I would imagine, are not helping such matters. If I were you, I would hide my daughters, dear readers, especially if their violent natures have not been exaggerated. I would take extra care to remain safe if you find it fit to speak your mind. If you do, it might be the very last thing you see before being sent out by what amounts to a private hit squad.

A harsh accusation, I know, but… would it surprise you, my readers, to learn that I was in fact planning on publishing a similar article but two weeks ago? I was informed by my superior that due to complaints from the higher ups because of the controversy, that I should wait for a while before writing up the expose that they so deserve. They wanted me to stop publishing the truth, out of FEAR.

Clearly, someone in the Crusaders got a nerve hit that they didn’t want anyone else to know about. It could be the discovery of General Juneau Solace’s blackened heritage. It could be the revealing of complete bigotry that the Crusaders are now enforcing, with no representation from Orcs or Gnomes, no female Dwarves, only female Elves, and only male half-elves. An odd pattern, I must admit, but when you are dealing with someone who comes from Bree, one must learn to expect oddities of the extreme nature.
The event at the blacksmith is insignificant; it is but a symptom. Symptom, after symptom, after symptom, it is yet another one that we have been forced to endure for the indulgence of outright blood thirsty loons and corrupt higher powers. General Juneau Solace has been indulging in blood magic. Princess Lisette has been spotted numerous times along with the Crusaders, despite supposedly being locked up by her father in Bawerstrom. Finally, their once main leader has now gone completely bunk, off to help insane hippies fighting a pointless separatist movement in some backwards country.

So, here we are, a beacon of sanity in a world filled with war and depravity, and our best line of defense is off getting drunk and molesting each other! This is not my Kasinthia! This is not the Kasinthia I grew up with, nor is it the Kasinthia you grew up with either! I will not be surprised if the end times appear before my life is over, at this rate.

Trenton Locke (Peri)

Assorted Headlines from this issue:

OKIME EXPERIENCES RECORD HIGH SNOW

WHY DRAGONS SING PART 7 OF 6

EXBALTERRA UPDATES WANTED LIST: REFUGEES SUSPECTED TO BE HOLING UP IN KASINTHIA

NEW EXCAVATION PLANS OF ANCIENT RUINS TO GO UNDERWAY IN TEARDROP ISLES

HOW TO TELL IF A GNOME IS STALKING YOU

MERMAID PERFUMES: UNETHICAL?

FAMARDIAN DELICACIES: DUCK LIVER

DWARVES WITH ELVES: CAN IT WORK?

POISONOUS SNOW: HOW THE ORCS ARE PLANNING THEIR NEXT ATTACK

ARE HALFLINGS REALLY JUST WELL PROPORTIONED MIDGETS?
PROPER PIERCING ETTIQUETTE FOR THE HAPLESS ELF

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